The Culture of Arguing

This week’s lesson in Jack’s Kids-N-Action church group is about arguing.

Wednesday, the magnificent youth leader rallied hundreds of kids to holler in unison, “Y’ALL STOP ARGUING!” each time he shouted “what are we gonna do?!”  The crammed Castle Room at our church rattled with the chorus of shortpeople yelling, presumably, at their selves.  It was adorable and loud.  In the lesson, they were asked to color in a traffic stoplight and bring it home to prominently display in the place where the most arguing takes place. Kids shouted the answer to the question: “Kitchen!” “In the Car!” “THE BATHROOM!” Some of the parents standing around us joked about the places in their home where Mom & Dad need this reminder even more than the kids.

Naturally this makes us stop and ponder the cultural atmosphere in our own home.  Jack had a tilted look on his face and actually looked up at Steve and me standing along the wall, the way he does when he’s not sure of the answer to a question.

In our home of second marriage and beautiful blendedness and Yours Mine and Ours we have studied relentlessly about HIS.  Steve and I know this incredible union, this gift of family, is from God alone. And we have learned through “enough” hardship along the way so that we have been deliberately deliberate for these eight years of marriage and home-building. So when Jack didn’t think instantly of where the stoplight might belong, we turned to one another and knew all of our lessons in the battleground of marriage and family have been well fought.  Our house doesn’t argue that much
[that much…. anymore ].

In a marriage where we want to be self-controlled and not flail about our selfish reactions and our fickle emotions, we have learned the greater good of honor … and the all-important good sense of humor.  I’ve learned to laugh and hold my tongue when he does something the way I would NEVER do it. He honors me when I make the effort to express my discomfort with some situation and he truly listens. Then we resolve to have grace.  The children see us honor our differences. And laugh. (Or at least smile and make a funny face about being unique.)

Tim & Kathy Keller talk about this as “emotional wealth” that comes from an inner joy and confidence. They teach the enormous power of our words in our marriage and our flippant misunderstanding of that power. Steve and I see the impact on our children when they live underneath the strength of sacrificial love. We all have more joy.

When Jack gets wide-eyed because Riley finished the Fruity Cheerios and he’s ready to sob uncontrollably, he is reminded she got there first. (Ya gotta be quick around here.)  And by the way, you had no more right to that bowl of cereal than she did. When they’re rude to one another, we try not to blast anger, but instead try to shine a calm bright light of awareness.  Our expectations are high for them, which requires us to hold our own behavior even higher.  So in the big scheme of life, in the weighing of total impact, our children will hopefully characterize their home as a joyful and peaceful place.

BUT ! It’s Difficult and it’s work.

I’ve personally struggled with the realization that I came from a big family that shouted and snapped and I inherited most of my dad’s sarcastic humor (which was sometimes pretty darn ugly). When this seemingly innate habit collided with Steve’s culture of “no-complaining allowed,” we had some communication work to do. But this is too important to take lightly or brush off as just the way we’re wired.  I like myself better when I behave like a loving adult who knows my role as Wife and Parent. He likes himself better when he’s more dialed into my nature and integrates US into his thinking (and he does this miraculously).

So we winked at Jack, and at the end of the group’s lesson, we asked him if he knew where he’d put the stoplight and he said “no. We don’t really argue anywhere.”

Emotional Wealth.

Lastly, when the goofy stuff that actually IS part of our hard-wiring gets a teensy bit annoying, I recommend having a good stash of Jim Carey or Steve Carell movie lines to bridge the gap.

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  James 4:1