When I found out I was pregnant at 41, there was an element of physical fear, for sure. After all, my girlie-parts were supposed to be winding down, weren’t they? And my husband was completely sterile from cancer treatment 10 years prior. (About which my more savvy girlfriends chided, “uh, you fell for that?”) This wasn’t supposed to be possible and it certainly wasn’t in the plan.
But the other concern that began to quickly elevate was the dynamic of our older children from our first marriages. Things were fragile and these kids had all endured painful divorces and the last thing that they’d appreciate was having another major distraction from their needs.
Of course, though the story is long and twisty, you can imagine that the arrival of this third child is filled with blessings for all parties. The biggest one, perhaps, is how parenting this caboose is marked by a confident calmness that changes everything.
My eldest sister Alice said something memorable to me when I was pregnant at 29 with my first child. She’d already had two children and she said, “I wish I could give you now the knowledge and comfort you’ll have with your second child.” How sweet. But as with so many other life learnings, I didn’t get it until I lived it. As I approached giving birth to child number 3, with a 6 and 12 year old eagerly waiting, I did indeed realize the power to skim off all the concerns that wanted to rise to the top. Like an inch of fatty gunk solidified to the top of homemade broth, I was able identify and remove the anxiety of …. almost everything. Not only because this pregnancy clearly was a miracle and out of my own control (read: God’s got this). But because I knew the ropes.
We hear sniffles from older children, complaining that we’re too lenient or complaining that they “got” a much meaner parent than this spoiled little one. True. But that’s good for everyone, I tell them.
It’s also true that we tend to have a touch of revisionist history as adult children, and those thoughts are also true. The power of our words as parents needs to be deeply understood. One cross word or harsh punishment is remembered as “always” and very traumatic.
The blessing of a surprise, later-in-life-child allows us the chance to be better parents for everyone. We’re calm, maybe a little busy and tired, and we pause before answering. We’ve read all the best books and we scheme together as parents before facing the challenges. And with the adult two (plus one newlywed fabulous wife) living in the house for the moment, we also get a chance to model ever so briefly at a more discerning age, how to tap into this calmness. Every day’s a new chance to get a little wiser, apologize once more, and laugh together about how creatively life evolves.
Just keep telling them all (including yourself): It’s all going to be great.
