Christmas Day 2019
One Husband, one Ex-Husband, Three Millennials with a Z-er, and a Whole Bunch of Grace.
“But it’s really pretty great,” I say. Many wide-eyed, sometimes horrified people react in wonder and shock as I share the story of our Christmas Day. It’s not unusual any more for my husband and my ex-husband to be sharing a [non-alcoholic] toast around a table filled with our children.
I do remember the first time. It was Thanksgiving and we were in our home in Manhattan Beach, California. My husband Steve, his three adult children with two of their wives, my ex-husband Ben and our two children (who were mostly raised in Steve’s and my home), and the youngest child, Steve’s and my miraculous son. After we prayed, I surveyed the table in wonder, as Ben raised a glass to Steve saying “Great job raising these kids.” Which was weird on a few levels, but nonetheless, a generous toast. I looked directly across the table at my high-school daughter Riley and whispered, “is this weird for you?”
She lit up a smile and said too-loudly “probably not as weird as it is for YOU!” And I laughed probably too loudly.
In the five years since then, we have had many easy and fun times with both my ex-husband and Steve in the same place together. Even once in super-confined and stressed quarters. That time on Father’s Day when we were seven of us on our 21’ Magnum powerboat when a storm broke out. We hurried to reach the marina before lightning hit. On the boat: Steve, myself. three kids, my daughter’s college pal and my ex-husband. We’d been having a lovely afternoon on the Willamette River, tubing and wake boarding and though we’d been aware that a storm was possible, it came upon us unexpectedly fast. So as we raced for the marina, the sky opened up and the waves grew big and we could barely see. We were all huddled under towels to protect ourselves from the pelting rain, trying to keep our sense of humor. I prayed for safety.
We were careening along at 30 mph when we slammed against major rocks lurking beneath the surface. The sound and feeling was like a horrible car accident. The boat was completely wrecked and I thought for sure we’d start to sink. I panicked and started handing out life jackets and grabbed the air horn. The river isn’t wide – we could easily swim to shore if necessary – but I was panicking. The boat was stable except for the motor and we were soon rescued by the family who lived “right over there on the riverfront” and they towed us to the nearby boat launch. The sky cleared up and the rest of the day was lovely.
Somehow the men bonded even more, and now they can have on-going bonding moments about how I panicked. You’re welcome.
So on Christmas Day 2019, hanging out with family is easy. Everyone is good humored and knows the enormity of the blessing in which we reside. We know it wasn’t always this way. We all know that there were years of bitterness, pain, anger, yelling, court battles and ugliness. We know we failed miserably at our first marriages and we desperately want to help the next generation succeed in the enormous glory of sacrificial love and the thrill of true commitment. Healing takes time, and genuine work.
When we let go of the things that hold us back, we get to love each other the way God loves us. And when we can truly snuggle up in the true love of God, we are freer to let go of the things that hold us back from loving others. Sometimes the hard part is crossing the threshold from seeking what we want to trying to figure out what God wants for us – which is always way more awesome than we could imagine on our own.
Seeing how our children – together there are SEVEN – are raising their families and building their marriages, in the intentional study of Jesus’ life-saving love, is nothing short of scandalous, overwhelming and exciting. More than we could ask or imagine. I deserve stoning, but because of Jesus, I have this. Now THAT’S shocking.
