Knowing your part in the hold.

It seems like a tough season. Maybe because it’s January. Many people in my life are struggling with relationships in one way or another and [spoiler alert] women often talk about relationships.

No matter how we carve it up, and try to control it, all of life is about relationships. (yes, with other people) It’s like the secret to physical health is always drink more water, eat healthy food and get some exercise every day. The trouble is: no one else can take care of either of these truths for us.

Today our children are facing their own relationship situations, and we know this is the second most important job we have: to teach them to be a friend. Since my eldest was a tot, I’ve tried to teach one of the first ideas to ponder in any relationship. It’s pretty basic.

Ready… go.

If both of you behaved as you are behaving now, what would the whole relationship look like?

I often teach this idea to the kids when we’re holding hands.  This provides a wonderful illustration, because they know innately when we hold hands, we link, both outwardly and inwardly. The teaching moment comes when I’m holding their hand in church or walking down the street and I’ll be able to feel that their hand is limp; not holding onto mine.  If I stop holding, there is no hold. There is no connection.  Literally, if I do what you’re doing, we aren’t linked.

This is not to convey some idea of tit-for-tat expectation or somehow we should all behave the same. Think more basic.

If both of us leave our socks on the floor every day, we’ll have a mess. If both of us decide we’re home-bodies, we wouldn’t have any time together at all.  If both of us allow our fear and jealousy to invade the conversation every day, we’d be destroyed. To be connected, we each must challenge ourselves.

With the exceptions of your dog and God Almighty, all of our relationships require us to consider this simple truth. Although it’s interesting to consider the reverse application of this idea to God and Dog: selfless, unconditional love, willingly given from both sides. But that’s a post on marriage for another day.

As much as I’ve studied healthy marriage and divorce, parenting deliberately through both, and the inescapable complexities of relationships, I continue to apply this simple idea to myself every day. I want to elevate my own behavior and thinking out of selfishness – our most destructive tendency. If both of us waited for the other one to call, we’d never talk. If he allowed himself to be weak, as I’m allowing my own weakness …..  well you can see how it can progress.

As my kids continue to step through life lessons on how to be a friend and build the relationships of their life, I pray they’ll hold onto their friend’s hand with all their muscles, not squeezing too hard, but holding firmly and kindly, knowing their part in the holding.