Cancer wasn’t in my plan.

We aren’t ready for these phone calls, ever.

She said, “I took the liberty of making you an appointment at one of the country’s top gynecological oncologists and he’s going to come in today to see you and you need to be there at 1:00. Here’s the address.”

It was 12:25 and I was pulling into my client’s offices for a 1:00 meeting. My body shook and my heart raced.  She said the levels on my cancer screen went up again and my case has now become complicated.

I’m a complicated case. (Some might say that’s not a new condition. 🙂

I pulled over to breathe and write notes. By the time I arrived at scary-doctor’s office I was through the choked up panic, and calmed by my husband’s voice. I’m challenged to activate the Trust in God that I profess. For a moment I felt like I was in a dream.

Do we trust as long as we still feel like we have control? Do we allow anxiety to take hold when we feel like things aren’t going as we planned? These are decisions we make deliberately.

Surgery is scheduled. The oncologist does not think I have cancer (I wanted to hug him), but they’ll need to follow the protocol to be sure.

I’ll enter the weekend with joy and submission. I call out for strength and I reach out to friends who will point me to that source. I DO want what God has for me. I know that in these moments we are challenged to live out our proclamation of faith and trust in being our best self no matter what we face. We can’t fake control in this one. But we can (we can, we can, we can) experience the supernatural power of the God’s Holy Spirit to change us on the inside.  To conquer the fear. To make sure we’re clinging to the giver of life and the truest love.

The question is: Will we? It’s a more exciting road for sure. There is such power.  I believe I will be through this soon, with great healing and strength from God. I also remind myself that we only ever have today to love.