It's All Connected Blog

C.S. Lewis says: “Pride is spiritual cancer.”
Nodding, we all easily grasp the problem of pride (particularly in others).

But as a parent, aren’t we justified in aiming our pride at our successful, well-trained children? Even noble? After all, we’ve worked hard to train them in the ways of God and culture.

More Lewis: As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.

But surely this doesn’t apply to being a proud parent… does it?

I propose that being proud of our children, both in our words to them and to others, smuggles in even more dangerous attachment and distraction.

To say I am proud of my children somehow assumes that their growth, their actions and choices are attached to me.
Or that they should make choices based on my reaction.

Or, worse that I reside with them as they leave home.

Our pride keeps at least some of the focus on us, doesn’t it?

I actually read a blog post where a woman who calls herself “wisemom” said that her children are her trophies. Is this merely one person going too far? Or is this simply a more honest and unfortunate truth of the reality of pride.

The only thing my children need to know about my reaction is that I love them always, and my love is not attached to any kind of performance. They are not my trophies.

Because all along Steve and I have endeavored to teach them to make wise decisions not for us, but for themselves, and for their own thrilling relationships with God – private, deep and eternal. Course setting and monumental. We have tried to create a family culture of excellence and integrity (and laughter!) from which they will build their life.

Our children can learn now the kind of joy that comforts and guides them in any moment.

They can have the only comfort that penetrates the heart and spreads throughout all our human being
…if they are solely attached to God and all He offers. Not me. Indeed, we want a healthy and honest relationship with our adult children, free of expectations and baggage and we see this principle as being connected to that objective.

Mostly, I never want to limit my children’s possibilities to only what I can see.

It is a paradox: seeking our pride can actually bind our children in unintended ways. If their performance is at all driven by our reaction, how can they grow to be in a singularly vertical relationship with their creator?

So I do not say “I’m Proud Of You.”
Because it is so much more than that.
The words feel wrong as they enter the air. Even though I want so deeply for them to know I think they’re incredible.

I say to them “I see such brilliance and beauty in who you are…”
“I am amazed and honored to be your mom.”

No strings attached.

Fun discussion… what are your thoughts?

13 Comments

Ray

There are apples and there are oranges. CSL is talking about the pride that causes one person to look down on and/or despise a peer. If you say, “My kid is better than your kid.” that is the bad pride, the apple.

But to say to your children, or anyone else, “I am proud of you.” you are not looking down your nose at anyone, you are simply expressing your emotions, an uplifting emotion, toward another person. This is the orange, and in my understanding it is not forbidden, in fact it should be encouraged.

The word has an apple / orange meaning – oranges are good.

But, of course, you already knew all of that!

Suzy

at

Ya, I get it. I realize it might be over-thinking the use of words. I truly am proud of my kids. But I see so many parents create this attachment and I think we don’t realize our own impact on our kids. I love the apple/orange comparison. I’m still sticking with my proposal, though. We have to be aware of the connection we might be creating unintentionally. It’s glorious when they are independent in their judgements and decisions to follow God’s plan.
I love you dad. You’re my hero.
- Ray
  
  at
  
  Now it’s my turn to over-think some words, but is it not OK to be proud of their independent judgments and decisions?
  
  It would be hard, or at least not normal, to be proud of their dependence on their parents (or anyone else).
  
  Or so it seems to me …
  - Suzy
    
    at
    
    You DO realize that you will win, right? But (speaking of adult children) if we are proud, we keep their behavior attached to our approval. When after decades of inextricable emotional intertwining we should release them from any judgement….? And in a way force them to stand vertically with God.
    
    Admiration rather than pride… ?
    
    You are my guide, and you raised my hero
    
    )s
- Ray
  
  at
  
  @Suzy, Jun 15 comment …
  
  Still on the over-thinking thing, I don’t understand how admiring an offspring for who they are and what they stand for will have any different affect on their ability to make independent judgments than saying “I’m proud of you.” (I’m not proud of me for raising you, I’m proud of what you have done with the rearing you received).
  
  I don’t understand why “Proud of you” will warp their life and “I admire you” won’t.
  
  HELP …
  
  (BTW – there was no place to respond to your last response – so I put it here)
  - Suzy
    
    at
    
    Hi Dad!
    Since we chatted about this on Skype yesterday… I’ll let this end with OF COURSE! Your point of view is wonderful.
    love
    suzy

Rivera Douthit

“The only thing my children need to know about my reaction is that I love them always, and my love is not attached to any kind of performance. They are not my trophies.” Well said!

This must be our way of thinking and acting with our children, if we are loving them like Jesus! Surely we’re not His trophies, but boy does He love us wrecklessly and unconditionally. Thank you for the reminder!

Suzy

at

Hello Rivera,
I’m glad you came and left a note! It’s certainly a wonderful thing to be joyful about our kids’ healthy choices. As God is joyful when we choose His love!

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts,
suzy

Mark

Thanks so much for this post, Suzy. I am very much in agreement with you but besides that, there are whole schools of parenting theory that come down on your side, saying that the focus shouldn’t be on how the child’s behavior makes the parent feel (proud or, disappointed), but on the parent’s affirmation of the child’s experience. I love that idea.

Suzy

at

Hi Mark,
Of Course I Love your comment! (hee hee). I knew in my heart – and my husband said – that there has been much written on this topic. I’d love to hear more wisdom from others. But at the same time, as with everything we learn in the Gospels, it all boils down to what’s in our heart, right? True, humble gratitude and devotion.

Thanks again for the dialogue. I really appreciate it.
-suzy

HeavenlyAngel

There is a difference between being proud and being well pleased with someone’s efforts. Proud is being overly sure of one’s self. They feel so confident in themselves to the point where they look down upon and belittle others. If you go around belittling others and putting them down, then you are proud. If you are well pleased with someone’s efforts then that’s different. Why can’t you just say you are “well pleased,” instead of proud? Maybe you’re taking what C.S. Lewis said out of context and inserting your own definition of being “well pleased” with regards to their accomplishments.

In fact, if it wasn’t for God enabling them to accomplish much, they would be unable to get very far. So, it’s really not them as much as it’s God helping them to make that possible. Perhaps, you should be looking up more! 🙂 Humility is an important asset.

HeavenlyAngel

I did look up the definition of proud:

It may refer to an affectionate admiration of or a justifiable pride concerning someone else.

So the definition of pride has more than one meaning. Perhaps, when biblical scholars were translating the bible from Hebrew to English that was the best word they could come up with.

You should go to a concordance and see what the actual Hebrew meaning of proud means. It can be associated with prideful behavior or just admiration. I think a better word to use would be “well pleased.” This way there would be no confusion as to what you are trying to express to your children because the word “proud” has dual meaning. Even the adjective “hooker” as dual meaning. A hooker could mean a fisherman or the obvious–a prostitute.

Suzy

at

Thanks so much for this thoughtfulness. Indeed my point was about the understanding of certain words in our language. I appreciate your sharing !
-suzy

Ray

at

There are apples and there are oranges. CSL is talking about the pride that causes one person to look down on and/or despise a peer. If you say, “My kid is better than your kid.” that is the bad pride, the apple.

But to say to your children, or anyone else, “I am proud of you.” you are not looking down your nose at anyone, you are simply expressing your emotions, an uplifting emotion, toward another person. This is the orange, and in my understanding it is not forbidden, in fact it should be encouraged.

The word has an apple / orange meaning – oranges are good.

But, of course, you already knew all of that!
- Suzy
  
  at
  
  Ya, I get it. I realize it might be over-thinking the use of words. I truly am proud of my kids. But I see so many parents create this attachment and I think we don’t realize our own impact on our kids. I love the apple/orange comparison. I’m still sticking with my proposal, though. We have to be aware of the connection we might be creating unintentionally. It’s glorious when they are independent in their judgements and decisions to follow God’s plan.
  I love you dad. You’re my hero.
  - Ray
    
    at
    
    Now it’s my turn to over-think some words, but is it not OK to be proud of their independent judgments and decisions?
    
    It would be hard, or at least not normal, to be proud of their dependence on their parents (or anyone else).
    
    Or so it seems to me …
    - Suzy
      
      at
      
      You DO realize that you will win, right? But (speaking of adult children) if we are proud, we keep their behavior attached to our approval. When after decades of inextricable emotional intertwining we should release them from any judgement….? And in a way force them to stand vertically with God.
      
      Admiration rather than pride… ?
      
      You are my guide, and you raised my hero
      
      )s
  - Ray
    
    at
    
    @Suzy, Jun 15 comment …
    
    Still on the over-thinking thing, I don’t understand how admiring an offspring for who they are and what they stand for will have any different affect on their ability to make independent judgments than saying “I’m proud of you.” (I’m not proud of me for raising you, I’m proud of what you have done with the rearing you received).
    
    I don’t understand why “Proud of you” will warp their life and “I admire you” won’t.
    
    HELP …
    
    (BTW – there was no place to respond to your last response – so I put it here)
    - Suzy
      
      at
      
      Hi Dad!
      Since we chatted about this on Skype yesterday… I’ll let this end with OF COURSE! Your point of view is wonderful.
      love
      suzy
Rivera Douthit

at

“The only thing my children need to know about my reaction is that I love them always, and my love is not attached to any kind of performance. They are not my trophies.” Well said!

This must be our way of thinking and acting with our children, if we are loving them like Jesus! Surely we’re not His trophies, but boy does He love us wrecklessly and unconditionally. Thank you for the reminder!
- Suzy
  
  at
  
  Hello Rivera,
  I’m glad you came and left a note! It’s certainly a wonderful thing to be joyful about our kids’ healthy choices. As God is joyful when we choose His love!
  
  Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts,
  suzy
Mark

at

Thanks so much for this post, Suzy. I am very much in agreement with you but besides that, there are whole schools of parenting theory that come down on your side, saying that the focus shouldn’t be on how the child’s behavior makes the parent feel (proud or, disappointed), but on the parent’s affirmation of the child’s experience. I love that idea.
- Suzy
  
  at
  
  Hi Mark,
  Of Course I Love your comment! (hee hee). I knew in my heart – and my husband said – that there has been much written on this topic. I’d love to hear more wisdom from others. But at the same time, as with everything we learn in the Gospels, it all boils down to what’s in our heart, right? True, humble gratitude and devotion.
  
  Thanks again for the dialogue. I really appreciate it.
  -suzy
HeavenlyAngel

at

There is a difference between being proud and being well pleased with someone’s efforts. Proud is being overly sure of one’s self. They feel so confident in themselves to the point where they look down upon and belittle others. If you go around belittling others and putting them down, then you are proud. If you are well pleased with someone’s efforts then that’s different. Why can’t you just say you are “well pleased,” instead of proud? Maybe you’re taking what C.S. Lewis said out of context and inserting your own definition of being “well pleased” with regards to their accomplishments.

In fact, if it wasn’t for God enabling them to accomplish much, they would be unable to get very far. So, it’s really not them as much as it’s God helping them to make that possible. Perhaps, you should be looking up more! 🙂 Humility is an important asset.
HeavenlyAngel

at

I did look up the definition of proud:

It may refer to an affectionate admiration of or a justifiable pride concerning someone else.

So the definition of pride has more than one meaning. Perhaps, when biblical scholars were translating the bible from Hebrew to English that was the best word they could come up with.

You should go to a concordance and see what the actual Hebrew meaning of proud means. It can be associated with prideful behavior or just admiration. I think a better word to use would be “well pleased.” This way there would be no confusion as to what you are trying to express to your children because the word “proud” has dual meaning. Even the adjective “hooker” as dual meaning. A hooker could mean a fisherman or the obvious–a prostitute.
- Suzy
  
  at
  
  Thanks so much for this thoughtfulness. Indeed my point was about the understanding of certain words in our language. I appreciate your sharing !
  -suzy

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